TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2

It’s summer and the sun is out. That means the roads are clear and the little darlings are loose for a few weeks. And they need to be entertained. The only thing you need to know about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows is if it’s going to keep them quiet, and for how long.

Clocking in at nearly two hours, TMNT2 certainly provides value for money. It zips along at a fair pace, and a ridiculously convoluted plot about global annihilation should guarantee a sufficient level of distraction.

The story? Well, four man-turtles, a taking rat and a guy who’s really good at hockey rescue a canister of purple ooze from a mutant rhinoceros, a giant pig with a pink mohawk and a Doctor Who monster (Old Who, not new Who).

This sequel to 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles should be the point in the franchise when the bigger names wriggle out of their contracts (scheduling conflicts etc.) and are replaced with cheaper actors. But nobody says no to producer Michael Bay, so Will Arnett returns as does Megan Fox (in a micro mini to give dads some PG-rated jollies and ensure that little Tarquin is blooded in the art of objectifying women at an early age). Fun fact: did you know that Fox can now move in slo-motion completely unaided by digital trickery?

Older kids will be put off by the puerile humour, but TMNT2 isn’t completely charmless. I could almost tell one turtle from another by the time it finished.