PAN

What the hell is with Hugh Jackman and the endless showtunes? At any given moment, the man is no more than a pair of jazz hands away from donning a top hat, getting down on one knee and bursting into “Surrey with the Fringe on Top.” In this slightly steampunk reimagining of the prehistory of J.M. Barrie’s Peter Pan, Nirvana and The Ramones get Luhrmanised. “No Fun” by The Stooges would have been more appropriate, because this is just dreadful.

In fairness, the art direction and set design are impressive, but there’s a distinct fug of apathy hanging over every other aspect of Pan, from the script and performances to the big set-pieces. Even the most forgiving child is likely to be bored rigid by this bloated, overlong mess.

It’s hard to fathom that this is the same Joe Wright who directed Pride and Prejudice (2005) and Atonement (2007). Jackman must be positively stuffed after chewing so much scenery. Utter Pan-ts.